A brewer named Fang.

Dear Journal,

Yesterday the oddest thing happened.  I suppose I shall have to start at the beginning.  A few days ago I met a Man in the square.  He told me his name was Fang, a brewer, and a decent fellow.  He once let us sample some of his ale and even sold me a barrel for only three copper tarsks. I almost felt guilty paying so low a price for such a decent brew.  Anyway, the plot thickens, he has always been nice to me, telling me how good everything looks on me when I wear it.  He says I have intriguing eyes and pretty hair and I instantly began to worry.  I know Men usually don’t try to flatter a Woman unless he plan on having her neck.  I have been shying away from him, but rather unsuccessfully.  Yesterday, he approached Darmid, who in absence of my son, has been acting as my protector.  He asked the warrior if he could start courting me!  I was shocked to say the least!  I stood there as the two Men sized each other up.  Darmid told the brewer to draw his sword which he did, though he looked nervous, without hesitation.  He didn’t seem that he was going to take “no” for an answer.  Darmid seemed satisfied by the Man’s daring and gave permission, while Curie, who I suspect has something to do with Fang and I meeting, smiled happily at his feet.  That girl!

In any event, I am keeping my eyes open.  Sure the Man seems nice, but a Woman must always tread carefully around Men, especially nice ones.  I will admit that he is a nice Man, and his words sound sincere, but doubt always lingers in the back of my mind.  One moment, you could be talking and laughing with a Man you enjoy being with, and in the blink of an eye you find yourself naked and on your belly with his foot on your back as he locks the horrid steel collar around your neck.  I will do what Fang asks of me, with caution and trepidation, of course,  I still have to vet this Man to see if he’s sincere.  My previous companionship, the short lived joke of a companionship, has all but ruined my opinion of the entire gender of Men.  We’ll see.  All I can do, journal, is wait.

In other news, the pageant is coming along quite nicely!   The Captain has given his permission and we’re all excited about it!  So far we have six contestants, Lady Sage, Lady Sela, Lady Dev, Lady Cybele, Lady Audra and myself.  I hope it’ll be a big event that will bring many visitors to Kar.  I’ll write more on it later.

As much as it pains me I know now that I probably won’t be able to purchase Cour.  Jake was most adamant about refusing her sale to me.  He says it’s because of my bad history with slaves.  I will admit that I have never really been that kind to them over the years,  but that doesn’t mean that I can’t change for the better.  Once I am able to prove to him that I can be a kind person then perhaps he will sell the girl to me.   This situation, like all situations, is left up to time.  I suppose I must be on my best behaviour.

-B

Cour.

Dear Journal,

No sooner had I returned from my holiday that I finally got approval for the purchase of a girl.  Her name is Cour and she seems very good.  I like her because she is kind and intelligent, she’s also spirited, and not dull.  I look forward to owning her.  I may even make some coin renting her out to Men.  She will have to live in the bank vault with me, for the time being at least, as i do not have a home anymore.  That’s all right though,  my little vault will not seem as lonely if I have her to talk to.  I have told her that if she requests it I will set her Free.  It is a promise, part of the reason I like her so much is that she wants to be Freed.  I will Free her and support her if she asks.

Last night I drank a lot and fell asleep at my desk, I woke up with a hang over.  After getting bathed and dressed I went to the square and saw Dragon and Kyss, he seems very happy with her.  I also spoke at length with Lady Kaiila, she gave he a remedy for my hang over.  Oh!  She also told me that there were assassins in the city asking for me!  I don’t know who would want me dead or why.  I’m no one of importance, so who ever hired an assassin to kill me is wasting their money.   Other than that I have been sleeping off a massive hang over for most of the day.  With so many things on my mind,  I find that crawling into bed with a bottle of paga helps, unfortunately I wake up with a really bad headache.

A Man in black came, but he only wanted to prize to the Port Kar Quest.  He had me nervous, of course as I had heard that an assassin had been in looking for me.  We’ll see.  I’m not afraid of assassins, I can only hope that when they do kill me it’ll be painless.  More tonight.

-B

I’m back baby!

No more emo!  I’m not ashamed of a damn thing I do.  My vacation from Gor is over.  I love Port Kar!

I

regret

NOTHING!

bwaaa haaa!

The Ruiner.

I’ve ruined something I wanted.

I let my pride get in the way. I second guessed and doubted and showed a complete lack of integrity for my role play. I have ruined the most fun I’ve had in months. I worried about trivial things and foolishly assumed they mattered.  I want to take it back.  I’ve decided that  I am going to travel  for a while.

I’ve ruined everything.

Good Bye for now.

Sluts in dresses.

Dear Journal,

I mean really, how difficult is it to find a strip of fabric and wear it as a veil?  I’ve been poor, I’ve slept under bridges, I’ve eaten garbage to survive but I’ve always carried myself as a Lady.  Even when my clothing was ripped and torn and I had a foul odour, I always had dignity in knowing that I was Free.  I would never expose my body unless Men forced me to.  Some girls, I refuse to call them Women, think they can have their cake and eat it too.  Some LIKE the idea of being about almost nude and taunting Men.  If the Men of Port Kar had any balls, which they don’t seem to, they would take their responsibility as Men and refuse to let these girls strut about slutting up our city.  It’s really disgusting that everything I do is looked at closely and I’m criticized and taunted almost daily with collars and other hideous torture.  I carry myself with the dignity and respect a true Lady ought to.  I suppose if I showed my cleavage and exposed my face like a slave I would fit in better.  It seems to be the way things are going now.  Sluts in dresses ought to be treated like sluts and Men ought to leave real Women alone

Honestly, if I had the power I would start a revolution.  Why not.  I would run the city with an iron fist and make sure Women are respected, Men respect, and slaves are kept in their place…if they are collared yet or not.  That is a dream of mine, Journal, to rule and have power.  Perhaps…if I had the resources I could make this happen.  A dream, of course, I can hardly keep myself together these days.

I saw my son today, I can’t express how proud I am of him.

-B

The Free Women’s House.

Dear Journal,

Have I been wrong so many years?  I wonder all the time as I sit alone with my thoughts.  Jake was very kind to Verino, Cybele and I.  When he heard of our desire to rebuild the Free Women’s house he didn’t scoff or smirk like all the others, which suprised me greatly.  He actually applauded our efforts and even donated a bottle of wine to us!   Have I been allowing myself to judge Men because I, myself, have been treated so badly by them in the past?  Only time will tell.

I’m thinking about buying a slave, her name is Cour, if the slaver allows the sale, of course I will rename her Roaa, which means “vision”.  She yearns to be Free and if she requests it I will Free her.  One of the functions of the Free Women house will be to support newly freed slaves and help them readjust to Free society.

We, Verino, Cybele and I, were discussing what we ought to have in the house.  A dorm, a small bath, some cabinets with wine and food for us, a little kitchen where we can practice cooking, a sewing corner.  There are so many ideas going through my head.  We feel that we Ladies ought to have a place of our own to congregate and socialize.  It will be lovely!  The Men have their tavern, their warrior’s hall and well…the entire city for themselves.  We want a place where Men aren’t allowed, where we can say and do what we want, take off our veils and unwind. Since I lost so much money in the aftermath of my disastrous companionship, I will have to wait to earn it all back.  I want to finance the operation myself and it will take a lot of silver to get everything just right.

Today in the square, I met a Lady with the oddest skin!  She had no colour anywhere, her skin was white and her hair too, her eyes looked pink and strange.  I wonder if she had been cursed by the Priest Kings, I was afraid to touch her lest I catch her curse.  I grew up in the desert where people’s skin is baked bronze or brown by the sun, my Father told me stories of pale people in the North, but this Lady was much more pale than any Torvaldslander.  I will have to ask Kaiila if there’s a medical reason she looks like that and probably see if she has medicine to keep me from catching the Lady’s disease.

Today is going to be an interesting day, I will write more later, untill then journal…

-B

Her tears.

Dear Journal,

Today I found a note on my bed, I think Lady Verino wrote it.

What has become of my new, dear friend? I can see the speckled tears across her cheeks. She has lived a long hard life. Not evident in her physical appearance, but in her voice and mannerisms. She is tough and full of pride. Many men would seek to tear her down. Yet she perseveres. She like many others before her, those who have dared to stand along side men and never back down. She is fearless, but she is not unbroken.
I know she lies, and undoubtedly lies to me from time to time, but I know it is her defense mechanism  and woe is me, if I would be the selfish friend to break her away from what keeps her safe. I accept her one hundred percent for who she is and what she is yet to become, because she is my friend and she would be there to comfort me as I am there to comfort her.
Many would look at my words and call it naivety, and perhaps it is. However, to me it is a passion for life, a passion for love, and a passion to be true to myself and my beliefs despite these hard times and the inevitable hard times that are yet to come. I would walk across burning coals for that woman if it would keep her safe and sound. She has opened many doors for me that were still left tightly locked upon my earning an apprenticeship. I accept my duty as friend to her, and with it, I will do as I can to mend her mind and calm her heart when the evil dragon rears it’s ugly head and consumes her with the fire of it’s loins. -It will not be done! It will not happen! She will be kept safe, she will be kept sound, I will not lose the one thing that has brought life into my world since entering Port Kar.

It was unsigned but I know who wrote it.  She unfortunately saw some things and then saw me moping about the house the next day.  I cried when I read it, she really respects me, I see.  Now, I know I can’t take Dragon’s money.  It’s not the honourable thing to do.

-B

How far am I willing to go?

Dear Journal,

Yesterday, Dragon, the shipbuilder, and a very nice Man, asked me a question as he was in need.  He was trying to balance the numbers in his ledger and had problems with figuring it out.  He said he had about 1000 gold tarns missing!  He asked for my help…but I could only think to help myself.

Uriel is bribing me for 1000 gold and “fixing”  Dragon’s books, while pocketing the overflow would finally let me be rid of him.  As excitement rushed through me I thought about what sort of person I am.  I wondered if was even right for me to consider stealing Dragon’s money just to suit myself, even though he had been kind to me in the past.  However, a Man is a Man, and my being rid of Uriel is my ultimate goal…but what would it do to my conscious.  I don’t want to have to steal from Dragon, but I want to be rid of Uriel.  The repercussions of doing this would be great, and dangerous if I get caught.  I know I’m a good Merchant and am able to hide money’s source, but I could never look Dragon in the face again.  Am I so desperate to be rid of my troubles that I would steal from a friend…what should I do?

-B

Back to the Tahari.

Dear Journal,

Upon hearing of lost treasure in the Tahari I decided to finally return.  I had not seen my beautiful homeland in more than 20 years, and after a harsh week, I decided to go.I combed the desert, alone, for hours untill I found the treasure.  It was refreshing to return and I really needed it.   Carin came along with me, and Max, the guard.  Eventually Krita, my apprentice showed up once they had gotten used to the sand and heat, we sat in the Tavern of the Oasis of the Sand Sleen and enjoyed tea.  I met the First Vizer and the First Sword, and they seem very interested in opening trade relations with Port Kar.   I met the slaver as well, a grumpy sort of man, but he seems to be all about business.

It has been a terrible week, it seems that after my disastrous (and gratefully short) companionship I have been pulled out of the frying pan and into the fire.   I had to move in with Uriel, the scribe, his house is very large and I must admit, comfortable, but…things have happened there that will haunt me.   He’s almost as ruthless as I am, and he has exposed my lies.  Now, I am being bribed, if I get in any sort of trouble again he will certainly usher my death.   I hate being stuck in a position that I can not get out of.  I do not like being controlled by anyone.  My life is my own and I shall decide how it goes.  Men tend to enjoy trying to collar their problems away, but some of us do not just fall blindly into mindless slavery, some of us have minds and hearts, and refuse to back down.  I want, no I need to be strong in this.  I will not let the Men win.  Never.    I will write more tonight.

-B